Someone told me in school that pretty girls are not good at math and that I should know my place. I was 10 years old. Since then, all I wanted was to prove that I was good at math, that I was smart. At some point, being smart became equal to being good at math in my mind. Maybe it was meant as a compliment, or maybe just as a careless comment. But for me, it became a lifelong need to prove that I was capable and worthy especially because the person who said it was someone I was looking up too, a sort of role model or authority figure I was taking seriously at that time.
I attended the national Math Olympics four years in a row, became one of the best at math in university, and completed a master’s degree in Financial Engineering, pure mathematics. Was all of it truly what I wanted in life? Maybe. Or maybe the wound of not feeling good enough and the projections of others became so intertwined that I followed that path blindly, without asking the only person who truly mattered.
Later, I started working. I say “later,” but I was only 20. I completed both my bachelor’s and master’s degrees while working full-time in a corporate job. Before that, I had internships, summer jobs, and other small jobs. I come from a modest family, so all I wanted was to never be a burden to my parents and to become independent as quickly as possible and of course, to make it (I was not very sure what it meant, but I wanted to make it somewhere).
Many years followed with the same pattern, constantly proving to others that I could do it, that I deserved to be here, that I was enough. It became a cycle, like a boomerang always coming back just when I thought it was over.
Was it all because of one comment? Or did I simply become trapped in the projections and expectations of others?
I realized I built a sense of worth around productivity, around constantly doing more, achieving more, and seeking external validation to confirm that it mattered. This weekend made me reflect deeply on that. Lately, I noticed how much energy I still spend trying to prove myself, only to feel disappointed when people do not notice or acknowledge it.
The thing I learnt is that other people will never notice more than I will notice , and I need to learn to validate myself and stop the pressure to constantly prove that I can do it . All my life I was underestimated and it’s about time to stop fighting it, it’s never about others , they were a mirror of something I was doing for a long time.
This weekend I just looked for inner validation, I still need to learn how to do it, but it helps me this step of just being aware that I was going on this path, a pattern of self doubt and never being enough no matter how much effort I put.
I think self-doubt is one of the diseases of our century.
Do you struggle with it too?
I learnt very early that love, recognition, or acceptance had to be earned. So I became a performer in my own life, constantly trying to reach a finish line that keeps moving further away.
I think the healing starts with the question “Who am I without the need to prove anything?” Maybe real confidence is not built from achievements, titles, or validation from others. Maybe it is the ability to sit with myself and still believe that I am enough in that moment, even when nobody is watching, applauding, or approving.
A very hard thing to do. Today, I was in the forest and I blame the wind and the birds for distracting me. Somehow I managed to stay for two full minutes without ruminating or overthinking.
I must admit, after , I felt powerful like never.